How Rare and Beautiful It Is

Yesterday while at work, I spent a significant amount of time talking to a family about the extremely important decisions they needed to make regarding their mothers care. I listened to them with my back turned, lean in close and tell their dying mother that her previously made decisions (to not be resuscitated) would most likely result in “you passing away mom, but we will make sure that you don’t feel any pain at all. And we promise we won’t leave your side.” All the while, I continued to scan medications and search for critical lab results and orders pertaining to her continued care.  I didn’t fully realize the impact that brief moment had on me, although I could fully comprehend the impact it was having on them. You see, an exchange of this manner is somewhat common in the Intensive Care Unit. These conversations are had every day. Death happens, every day. So, I did what we all do, I kept pushing through the day, working to keep her comfortable (and attempted to reverse what was happening to her in the least invasive ways I knew how), to honor her wishes and ensuring her family was emotionally and educationally cared for what might be to come.

It wasn’t until today, while driving back up the hospital (I know, I apparently can’t stay away), that a song I had recently added to my iTunes playlist came on. The name is Saturn by Sleeping at Last, and it begins with a beautiful instrumental segment, then a short but deep chorus. I was overcome with an overwhelming feeling of mortality. Maybe it’s because I was exhausted (because, day 5 of 5). Maybe it’s because I am overdue for a good cry. It was definitely the lyrics. But I couldn’t help but think about how we run and run and run. Always chasing something. We look forward to the next vacation and hope and dream for the future.. often forgetting to live in the here and now. Forgetting to appreciate what is right in front of us. But life all boils down to these moments. Moments that hit you like a ton of bricks, that knock you the wind out of you.. that make you realized how grateful you are for every single thing you already have. For every breath you take. For every loved one you get to hug one more time. “Because how rare and beautiful it is, that we even exist.”