Surviving: Sleep Training

So I want to begin with: if you’re here to pass judgment on our decision to sleep train, I understand BUT remember we are all entitled and should make the decisions that WE feel are best for our children and families. That is the beauty of parenthood, you make the rules (obviously safe ones, duh). Our decision to do a modified sleep training was not made easily or hastily. It took months of sleepless nights, research, conversations with my husband, prayer, and ultimately decision making. Before I was a parent, I wasn’t entirely sure how I felt about the “cry it out method”, and looking back, its funny because I’m not sure I could have ever understood what that decision entailed without having a child of my own. On the one hand, I knew I wanted my child to sleep in their crib, in their own room. Mainly for safety reasons (as easy and sweet as co-sleeping is, neither Zach or I ever wanted to risk the dangers that come with it.) but also because I wanted to encourage independent sleep, as early as I felt appropriate. Growing up, I slept in my parents room/bed until I was… well I was too old to be sleeping in my parents bed. My mom still talks about having to kick me and my sister out (yes, we were both in their bed) when she was pregnant with my littlest sister, because she physically could not deal with us in there anymore. As a child, it was a difficult transition. I’m not particularly traumatized by it or anything, but I always knew that if I could avoid that with my children, I would want to. On the other hand, I had done SO MUCH reading on the fourth trimester, on biorhythms, on wanting Cam to feel safe and secure and for him to never feel the stresses I’d read that can come with crying it out.

I’m not sure if I have touched on this much, but we didn’t exactly hit the lottery with a baby who slept well in his first months of life. Between what we self diagnosed as colic, pretty severe reflux, and a baby who made cluster feeding his full-time job, NONE of us got very much sleep the first 4 months of Cam’s life. We tried what felt like hundreds of swaddles, safe sleep spaces, feeding routines, diaper changes, no diaper changes, sleep crutches… and the only thing that seemed to work was the rock n’ play. Which as many of you know who care to be reading this, probably know is NOT a safe sleep place. The guilt that came along with making the decision to allow him to sleep in it ALMOST outweighed the little sleep we were finally getting. It helped that Cam was still awake every 2 hours on the dot, so we didn’t really have much time to worry that something was wrong with him during his night sleep. Around 4.5 months old, Cam was completely growing out of the rock n’ play. His legs were hanging over the edges, he would arch his back and look like he would come out of it, so we knew it was time to make a decision. Where would he sleep next?

At this point, I had been back at work for about a month and a half, and still wasn’t entirely ready for Cam to be out of my room (backstory: pre baby I had said I wanted my baby to be in his crib before I went back to work. Hah.) So between 12-13 hour shifts, exclusively breastfeeding, and being up all night, I was exhausted. Over the course of his short little life, I had began thinking about when and how we would transition him to his crib. I decided that when I noticed or could establish that Cam was waking out of habit instead of need, I would just “know” and transition him. Easy as pie right? Well it happens that around this time,Cam very obviously started waking and NOT wanting to actually nurse. He would latch for a couple seconds then fall asleep in my arms. There it was. My sign. And let me tell you, I was not. ready. Like, not at all. Even through the exhaustion and frustration and feeling like a failure because my child wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t really ready. This is where my husband came in. Oh Zach. Always the encourager. We had so many conversations about sleep training (mind you, he wanted to let Cam “cry it out” the day we came home from the hospital. Don’t worry, I already brought out the pitch fork on that one.) We decided to do our own research, separately, and reconvene to make a plan that WE agreed on and felt comfortable with.

The plan we decided on was a modified version of the Ferber Method. I say modified because I was not going to completely cut out night feedings. Although our pediatrician had assured us that Cam “did not need to eat over night anymore” I was not comfortable with withholding nursing sessions if Cam was going to actually nurse, and not just nurse for comfort and fall back asleep. So between the two of us, we decided that we would establish a bed time routine: bath every other night, lavender lotion, jammies, read a book in a low lit room, turn on the sound machine, turn off all the lights, nurse, and then lay down when either asleep or he unlatched himself. Then, once we laid him down, we would set our timers for increasing increments of time before going in to check on him (3 minutes, then 5 minutes, then 7 minutes etc.) for a maximum amount of time of 45 minutes total. When one of us entered his room (we alternated), we would not speak to him, but would go to him, reposition him if needed, make a “shush” noise, and pat his bum (he’s a tried and true belly sleeper). Cam was never really a pacifier baby, or at this point we would have also replaced his paci, but the kid could have cared less about a pacifier. This obviously would make him even more pissed, but in our hearts, we felt that it was best to let him know that he wasn’t alone and that we did not abandon him. The goal of all of this was to encourage self soothing, whatever that looked like for Cam. My game plan for nursing was to set time limits. If he woke before midnight, I would go in with the shush/pat method. After midnight I would nurse him and then not again until after 4 am. This worked beautifully.

It took us 1.5 weeks (and SO MUCH PRAYER) before Cam began to self soothing and putting himself to sleep calmly. It was a miracle. It was an answered prayer. And it was THE single most hardest thing I had done. Harder than giving birth. I was so emotional and doubtful and scared that we were doing the wrong thing. I can tell you, now at 10 months old, that it was the best thing we ever did. He can be laid down drowsy, and put himself to sleep. He knows when night time sleep is and is comfortable in his own safe sleep space. It was tough and I was unsure, but I honestly feel like it was right for us. There are days when he’s upset (hello teething) but it’s never for long and its never hysterical. So my advice? Go with your gut. Make a plan. Have a partner that is there to encourage and pray with you. ONLY you know whats best for your family and if you make informed decisions thoughtfully, you can never go wrong.

XOXO – JT