Surviving: The First Night Away

So I’ve gone back and forth on writing about this, because I know leaving your baby for the first time is so different for every parent (and in the context that I’m discussing, a privilege because I have a support system whom I love and trust.) Now, I say parent because it has been very different for even my husband and I. I also want to preface this with, I truly feel absolutely NO judgment for any parent who decides when it is best for THEM to leave their child overnight. I can further support that by telling you that my husband left our baby overnight for the first time when he was 3 weeks old. Although it was a trip that had been planned well before we even knew we were pregnant and my husband was to be part of one of his best friends wedding party, he left. It was harder on him than he had anticipated it being (and on me, as a brand new mama, still healing and learning how to breastfeed), but he did it. And he did it several other times over the course of our sons life up until now and that’s ok.

Before I got pregnant, I was positive I wouldn’t be, “one of those moms” who never left their kids (and I’m pretty sure I even told people when I thought I would leave my kid for the first time.. you know maybe around 6-7 months old *insert eye roll at myself*) . I “understood” that breastfeeding was demanding and played a role in being able to be away overnight, but like most I thought I knew how things would be. Boy was I wrong. For those of you who don’t know, Cam was born in April of 2018. So as I am writing this, he is nearing 16 months old. Being a mother has taught me so much humility and forced me into learning flexibility. With that said, I am by nature, a planner. An organizer. Someone who loves a good game plan. Motherhood has all but thrown a wrench in that. Once you get one aspect of your routine under control, it changes. And if you try to fight it, you’ll be ridden with anxiety, frustration, and sometimes even depression. But I digress.

As we neared Cam’s first birthday, our breastfeeding journey seemed to slow. It was by no means over, but Cam started sleeping through the night more frequently and as he learned to walk, he became so busy, that those middle of the day nursing sessions seemed to disappear. Up until then, he was still waking 1-2 times a night to nurse and leaving my baby overnight (even with either sets of grandparents) made me feel a certain type of way that I honestly never expected to feel pre-pregnancy. In my mind, he woke because he needed me. What if I was gone and he needed me? What would that do to him if I wasn’t there? All he knew was the comfort of nursing when he woke in the middle of night. In addition to that, how could I expect someone other than my husband to be up in the middle of the night with OUR child? Were these thoughts and fears valid and rational? Maybe, maybe not. Did I let them consume me? Not really. Do I regret not leaving him until now? No.

I don’t regret leaving him until now because it wasn’t right for ME. And honestly, in the grand scheme of motherhood (unless it puts your child in danger) it’s important to do what is best for YOU. I knew that there would come a day when I would feel ready. Maybe not totally comfortable or exactly excited about leaving Cam overnight, but ready. And now that it has come and gone, non-parents and parents who have been there-done-that may read this and think, “dang girl, you’re overthinking it.” Hell, even a small part of me is kind of thinking that! But I know most parents (in their heart of hearts) know the anxiety and anticipation I’m speaking of.

That night came unexpectedly and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t almost back out. We have amazing friends that are doing this parenting gig right along side of us with their sweet boy, whom we love spending time with so when we made plans to go out for dinner and drinks at a new-ish bar in Houston, my girlfriend suggested we just stay downtown, so we didn’t have to worry about drinking and driving all the way back home. My first thought? Ahh I’ll just not drink. Then.. maybe I shouldn’t go at all? Maybe we could change the venue? There were bars on our side of town right? With all that turmoil, I sat on it for a few days. I knew my mama (who was going to be our sitter for the evening) would be totally cool with making it an overnighter, but I almost didn’t even ask her. After bouncing the suggestion around in my head (which sounded like a blast and made total sense), I finally asked. “Of course”, was her answer. And she offered to stay at our house so that Cam could sleep in his own bed and that his routine wouldn’t have to be changed up without us at home.

And what do you know? Everything worked out perfectly. Cam LOVES his Honey and Papi (yes, my mom and dad both stayed the night). They played all afternoon, took him out to dinner and even said night time went smooth as butter. We had an incredible time too! It was so nice to feel a little bit like our pre-baby selves. To remember what life was like, not having to check on a monitor or corral an unsteady toddler determined to get into some kind of situation bound to cause bodily harm. Of course, we are not those people any more and pretending otherwise would be silly, but we sure did have fun. We are parents now. Who run on that extra cup of coffee and always have their precious little offspring in the back (or forefront) of their mind. So what’r my tips for surviving the first night away? Here ya go:

1). Make sure it is right for YOU. If you’re not ready, don’t feel pressured to do it. Unless it is an unavoidable emergency or required for your career; no one other than you needs to make that decision to be away from your child.

2). Make sure whoever is staying with your child is someone THEY love and trust. It’s not a secret that babies and toddlers (and I’m sure some children) have separation anxiety. For most, it is a natural part of their development. If you can ask someone whom your child is comfortable around to stay with them, YOU’LL feel so much better leaving them.

3). Make the first night away somewhere close to home and for only one night. Book a stay-cation in town. That way, you’re close enough to get home quickly should you need to.

4). Make sure whoever you ask to stay with your child knows their tendencies and is comfortable caring for children. Read: someone who won’t call you every time they cry. Bc I’m not sure about you, but my kid will cry if he’s out of goldfish. You don’t need that added stress.

5). Plan something fun while you’re gone. Something that makes spending a night away from your kiddo worth it. Because we all know #momguilt is real, but it shouldn’t be. Enjoy yourself. Do something you love. Like spending time with good friends. Or eating at a restaurant you wouldn’t typically wanna bring your toddler to.

6). Be kind to yourself. If you leave your baby overnight at 2 months or 2 years: you’re still a good parent.

XOXO – JT